Mental Load – you can do that about it

Mental Load Winter overload
©: CC0 Public Domain / Unsplash – Josue Michel

Mental load, i.e. the overload of mothers and families, often reaches its peak during the Advent season. Actually, a time that should captivate with peace and contemplation, in reality in the run-up to Christmas everyday life is all too often dominated by hectic, stress and overload. Here we reveal how mothers and families can avoid mental load and what you can do about it.

“What are you actually doing at Christmas?” or “What are we giving XYZ for Christmas?” are questions that are often asked in the run-up to Christmas – mostly to the female members of a household. Because they are still the “family managers”, in addition to their professional tasks, of course. Traditionally, women very often organize all family and household appointments, have wishes, likes and dislikes in mind, remind their partners or children of everything important and are responsible for a smooth coexistence.

Sounds exhausting and complicated? It is. The phenomenon is called “mental load” and can certainly lead to women secretly, quietly driving into burnout. To prevent this from happening, we give tips on how to better distribute tasks in the family so that mental load can be avoided or at least reduced.

Tasks evenly distribute everyday stress
Even if both parts of a couple do the household chores, it is almost always women who send their husbands shopping or “divide” them into chores. (©: CC0 Public Domain / Unsplash – Volha Flaxeco)

What is mental load?

Mental load refers to the invisible, “mental” tasks that women are usually burdened with in partnerships or families. For example, to keep an eye on which groceries are already becoming scarce, to create the shopping list. Or make sure that the bathroom is cleaned regularly, that the garbage cans are on the street in good time and much more. This also includes making sure that the children are in bed at the right time, are registered for the sports course or get new jackets when the old ones are too small. Just always keep everything in mind or at least in the back of your mind so that chaos doesn’t break out.

Mental Load is less about the job itself and more about ‘taking care’, thinking about it and making sure it gets done. Even if both parts of a couple do the household chores together, it is almost always women who send their husbands to do the shopping or “share” the vacuuming and tidying up. Stress tends to peak at Christmas time. Because, for a nice party, there is simply too much to think about, organize, plan and take care of. Together with the responsibility, the organization and the stress in professional life, the pressure of always having to keep an eye on everything at home can quickly become too great, especially for women, and in the worst case it can lead to burnout.

Mental Load Causes Family Organization
Keeping track of things is a matter of practice – but this is the first step to reducing mental load. (©: CC0 Public Domain / Unsplash – Alexander Dummer)

Causes of Mental Load

In order to find ways and solutions to better deal with mental load, it is important to understand how the problem arises. We are all to blame as a society. The patriarchal model with the man as the main breadwinner and the woman doing the household chores is still deeply rooted in society and also in our minds. The small, invisible organizational tasks are unconsciously assigned to the women who “can do it better”.

In fact, it’s just a matter of practice to keep track of things and always seem to be thinking of everything. Neither women nor men are born with this ability. Being aware of this is the first step to reducing mental load or even avoiding it altogether.

Family life burden Christmas time
There is a lot to organize at this time of the year, for a stress-free Christmas season it is important to make tasks visible and distribute them fairly. (©: CC0 Public Domain / Unsplash – Jonathan Borba)

Ways out of the mental load trap

If it is clear that both partners can organize family life equally well, then you are open to a (more) fair distribution of the mental load so that nobody is overburdened. But first of all, it is important to find out which invisible tasks are actually required. The best way to do this is with a list broken down into daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tasks. The spectrum ranges from very banal things like washing clothes and planning meals to a cleaning list and the weekly shopping list to Christmas presents, changing tires or tax returns.

With the list you sit down together and discuss who is currently taking on which tasks, both: think about it and actively do it. Things that may only take five minutes but occur every day, such as putting the children to bed, are weighted more heavily than those that take half a day but only occur once or twice a year, such as the TÜV for family car.

It turns out that one of the two performs far more such tasks – and thus has the correspondingly greater mental load. In the next step, you distribute the points you have recorded as fairly as possible between both partners. It is quite legitimate to seek help in some areas, for example a cleaner who comes weekly or to use electronic helpers, such as a relaxation app for children to fall asleep or the reminder function on the cell phone for a break or an appointment that you must not forget.

How you arrange the distribution is up to you. Maybe you take turns doing things, maybe everyone has their own areas, maybe you organize most of it together and just share the implementation. Both partners only have to be satisfied with the solution and less burdened. Anyone looking for help or support is well advised to take advantage of offers such as the Techniker Krankenkasse. Overworked parents can find long-term support and help here with various offers and anti-stress programs, while the TK family hotline is ideal for short-term help and questions.

Family management stress relief
Family management requires practice, especially women have to learn to just let go. (©: CC0 Public Domain / Unsplash – Picsea)

Family management is a matter of practice!

Once the new task assignment is set, you should really stick to it. This is not always easy, especially for women who previously thought they had everything under control. Because in the beginning mistakes happen, appointments get missed or things go wrong. Then it helps to remember that family management takes practice and women also have to learn to just let go. Anyone who constantly observes their partner with eagle eyes and intervenes at the slightest deviation is even more energized and tends to create mental load instead of reducing it.

It is better to actively use the time you have gained to reduce stress, for example with exercise or an online course in mindfulness and meditation. So everyone stays calm when the laundry is discolored or relatives show up for Christmas dinner. Overcoming such “mini crises” together can strengthen family cohesion and is by no means a sign that a woman is a bad mother (or partner). On the contrary: if you take care of yourself and your mental health, you can be there for your family all the better.

Detaching from role models helps against mental load

The idea that family management is a woman’s job is still too deeply rooted in our minds and in our society. Mental load, i.e. the burden on women from countless small, often invisible organizational tasks, is often overlooked. Especially in the run-up to Christmas, the pressure can become so great that mental health suffers – up to and including burnout. In order to reduce or completely avoid mental load, we have to become aware of these tasks, redistribute them and break away from traditional role models. This not only strengthens women, but our entire society, because it paves the way for true gender equality.

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