Maintaining friendships: This is how old and new friendships work – even at a distance

None of us want to miss them: our friends. But friendships need to be cultivated to maintain them. We provide you with numerous tips for old and new friendships – and also how they can work at a distance.

Why are friendships so important?

Money makes happy? Psychology disagrees. In particular, the research direction of positive psychology deals with the topic of happiness. Its most prominent representative is Martin Seligman. Instead of focusing on mental illness, positive psychology focuses on how we can improve health, well-being and happiness. To do this, we first need to know what makes us healthy and happy.

One answer that the researchers in positive psychology found is social relationships. In one Tedtalk Martin Seligman asks what factor differentiates happy people from others. The answer is: you are more sociable and social. This is probably a two-way process. Those who are happy seek contact with other people more often and those who meet a lot with other people are happier.

But not only that: people who have good relationships with others also seem to be healthier. According to one Article on spectrum Studies found that people with good social relationships live longer on average.

Another aspect is that social support, its importance again and again researched becomes. In happy times, it may still be easy to go through life alone, but at some point we all come into crises or difficult phases. And then the support of others cannot be replaced by anything – so we should cultivate our friendships.

How to find new friends

Some people seem to naturally meet new people and make new friends and cultivate them. It is much more difficult for other people. This is also related to our personality: extroverted people tend to go out more, do something with others and are more sociable. Introverts tend to withdraw into themselves and often appear quieter to the outside world.

But even more reserved people can make new friends. Here are a few tips:

• Avoid stress: If you find it only a duty and exhausting to find new friends, it will automatically be harder for you, too Psychology today. Then you start with a rather negative attitude and charisma.

• Find a comfortable room. Meet new people where you feel comfortable. For example, this could be a sports club or a Volunteering. This also has the positive side effect that you and your future friends already have one thing in common.
• Find places where you can easily talk to others. This could be, for example, in a language course, at a seminar or in further training. Or maybe during dog training?
• Be yourself from the start. That doesn’t mean that you should have told your whole life story after five minutes. But if you pretend you are also stressful again, and honestly: you want to get to know people who like you just the way you are – not just an artificial version of yourself. That also means your weaknesses and mistakes and thus vulnerability to show.
• Segg confident: There is so much in you and it is worth getting to know you as a person. Sounds cliché, but it is true. So dare to show it.
• Ask questions. Not sure how to start or lead the conversation? Questions are always a good way to learn something about each other, show interest, and most people like to talk about their interests or experiences. This is how you can break the ice.
• Reveal something from you. If you also tell about yourself, you give the other the chance to get to know and assess yourself.
• Be picky, but not too picky. Not everyone is suitable for you as a friend. Especially when the values ​​or interests differ too much. But there is no perfect friend. So forgive others for their character weaknesses and give them a chance.
• Leave your comfort zone. Getting to know new people is a matter of practice. Try yourself, keep trying again and again. Get out there, plan to speak to someone every day. Then you will soon notice that it is getting easier for you.
• Take it playfully. If you tackle the matter doggedly, you will tense up and will have a hard time. So bring in a certain lightness.

This is how you can maintain friendships

A successful friendship is not rocket science. That is why some of the following tips may sound banal, but this is how you can maintain friendship in the long term.

• Quality versus quantity. Some really good friends are better than many that you may only know superficially. Because you can rely on the few really familiar.
• Creates shared experiences. If you experience a lot together, you can look back on the good – and less good – memories and have a common story to tell. That connects.
• Be reliable. Consciously take time for your friends and show them that they can rely on you. This is how you create trust between you.
• Be honest. Honesty is also a pillar of trust.
• Be thankful and appreciative. Regularly show your friends through words and gestures that they are important to you and that they mean something. And a focus on gratitude also helps you to become more satisfied.
• Be loyal. Stand by your friends and stand up for them. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree.
• Support your friends. In good times, it is easy to be a good friend. It is only in the bad times that it becomes clear who is really a friend.
• Creates common routines and rituals. In everyday life it is easy to lose sight of each other. Everyone has their own life, job, family. In order to keep in touch, one or more fixed dates help you to do something together. This can be a weekly phone call, a regular visit to a café, swimming training every Monday or a weekend trip together once a year. How often and how long depends on you.
• Be empathetic and a good listener. Then your friends really feel valued by you and know that they can trust you.

• It’s all in the mix. Don’t pretend and be authentic – but still try to emphasize your positive sides.
• Ask for advice. This is how you make your friends feel that they are important to you too and that you value their opinion.
• Treat friends to their success. That is also part of loyalty: Even if it makes you jealous, you show how much someone means to you if you are genuinely happy with them for their success.
• It takes two to cultivate a friendship. If you try so hard, but nothing comes back, you may not match as friends. Speak openly about what bothers you about other people’s behavior and do not judge prematurely. Sometimes it is a better decision to give up friendship.

Cultivate friendships at a distance

Social media and the Internet today make it much easier to maintain friendships even over long distances. Ultimately, the work is up to you and your friends. The biggest hurdle for long-distance friendships is not to diverge. But there are also some tricks for how you can do this.

• Let others share in your life. Send photos from time to time, write to your friends what is going on with you and also inquire about them and their lives.
• Creates common routines and rituals. Even more than in a friendship, where you see each other regularly, routines can help to maintain the friendship.
• Explore common interests over the distance. For example, make an appointment to watch the same film or read the same book. So you have something to talk about.
• Calls regularly. Video is also more depth because you can see your gestures and facial expressions.
• Honesty, reliability, appreciation. These values ​​are just as important in a friendship at a distance as in a friendship in which you see yourself regularly.
• Communicate transparently and openly. Nowadays, expectations quickly arise that everyone can be reached at any time and must immediately respond to every message. It’s perfectly okay if you don’t want that – the best thing to do is communicate it openly.

Dealing with conflicts

There are many guides on how to act in conflict. Here are the top tips on how to deal with an argument between friends.

• Give yourself time. In the heat of battle, we often throw things at our heads that we later regret. So sometimes it makes sense to postpone the conflict and continue talking when both have calmed down.
• Stay fair. The better you know a person, the better you can hurt them. But you actually don’t want that. So try to find arguments and tell the other about your opinion or feelings without insulting or hurting them.
• Don’t sweep the conflict under the table. You will both feel the tension between you. Therefore, dare and speak to it if you notice that something is in the room.

• Apologize. If you made a mistake or hurt the other, admit it and sincerely apologize.
• Forgive others. If someone apologizes to you, try to accept the apology and not be grudging.
• Speak openly of your disappointment. If you are disappointed because you had different expectations, speak up openly.
• Think of the good times and sides of friendship. Sometimes it is difficult to overcome a conflict. Thinking about what you value about your friend and what you have experienced together can help.

Cultivate a friendship – to where and how far?

Despite all efforts: Sometimes it is still impossible to prevent people from living apart or breaking friendships. When it is still worth investing in a friendship and when it is better to end a friendship, there is no panacea for this, at most clues.

Before you prematurely dismiss a friendship, it should always be the first step to seek the conversation. Speak openly about what disappoints you. Maybe you can come to an agreement.

But also be honest with yourself. A friendship only works with two people. If only one maintains friendship or one exploits the other, that is not friendship on an equal footing.

Read more on Utopia:

• Build trust: this is how you strengthen your relationship
• Volunteering: Why volunteer work is good for you
• Holidays in the monastery: a special break