Why do you often get in your own way? How mini-steps, self-compassion and real values help to outsmart your inner weaker self – and when laziness is not laziness at all.
Sometimes it’s so simple – and yet so difficult: we know exactly what would be good for us. Be it cleaning, doing sports or finally calling a friend again. And yet we still can’t pull ourselves together. Almost everyone knows the feeling of being unmotivated and lazy.
But why are things like this sometimes so difficult for us? “Knowledge alone is not enough, because knowledge does not motivate. It is the feelings that drive us,” explains Christina Jochim, federal chairwoman of the German Psychotherapists’ Association (DPtV). We humans underestimate how strongly emotions determine our actions.
The crux of the matter: According to health psychologist Verena Klusmann-Weißkopf, our motivation increases especially when we immediately feel an emotional gain. But change is often stressful because we have to overcome comfort and put other things aside. If we focus on consequences that only become apparent in the long term, frustration arises and motivation collapses.
Am I really lazy or just at my limit?
Laziness is not a defined term in psychology – the expression is often more of a “social packaging,” says Jochim. But behind this lies psychological exhaustion or excessive demands. Too many demands or fear of failure lead to mental stagnation. The brain goes into self-protection mode: withdrawal instead of activity.
According to Klusmann-Weißkopf, whether we can then increase motivation so that we set action goals depends primarily on three factors:
- personal relevance
- Self-efficacy
- Expectation that effort is worth it
If one of these points breaks down, motivation and energy dwindle.
The tendency to self-condemn
Inaction does not arise from laziness, but can ultimately have various causes: too little motivation, no suitable strategies for implementation or for recovering from setbacks, says Klusmann-Weißkopf.
When we attribute failures to ourselves, it is very detrimental to our own self-esteem. According to Jochim, the fact that we judge ourselves for doing nothing is mainly because “we live in a performance culture in which inability is seen as a personal deficit.”
This feeling of shame arises from the fear of not meeting expectations – a socially learned pattern. According to Jochim, shame exacerbates the problem, blocks motivation and prevents people from accepting help or support.
Self-compassion as a “turbocharger for motivation”
According to Jochim, those who treat themselves kindly will remain more motivated in the long term. Strict self-criticism can be energizing in the short term, but exhausting in the long run. Surprisingly, less pressure is often better in order to achieve more: “Self-compassion is not a softener, but a turbo for motivation,” says Jochim. Recognizing small steps strengthens the reward system and the willingness to stick with it or start again.
According to Klusmann-Weißkopf, self-efficacy is particularly important: the belief that you can actually achieve a goal. This not only requires the courage to take action, but above all careful planning and the ability to overcome setbacks.
According to Klusmann-Weißkopf, this so-called coping self-efficacy arises when we know each other well, recognize successes and do not view setbacks as personal failures, and develop constructive strategies that suit us personally.
In short: Anyone who treats themselves empathetically can absorb setbacks, remains able to act – and motivates themselves more sustainably than someone who constantly pushes or devalues themselves, says Klusmann-Weißkopf.
Pick yourself up in the moment: These strategies can help
Many people hope that motivation will come naturally at some point. But according to Jochim, that is exactly a fallacy: “Motivation often follows action and not the other way around.” Anyone who waits for the perfect moment usually waits in vain.
Instead, tiny immediate steps help: do an activity for three minutes, set the alarm clock – and then maybe actually stop after three minutes. According to Jochim, this mini-start can make your weaker self give up. The next step often follows automatically.
It is also important to think ahead about typical stumbling blocks such as fatigue, doubts or lack of desire. “You have to build a good bridge for yourself, how you can still get started at that moment,” says Klusmann-Weißkopf. This could mean packing your gym bag the night before or going on a date with a friend. The key is not to wait until motivation arises – but rather to prepare the situation so that starting becomes easier than postponing, says the health psychologist.
Sustainable motivation: Set small goals
And how do you stick with it in the long term? Klusmann-Weißkopf emphasizes: “What is achievable must ultimately bring me something.” Small, realistic goals ensure success and prevent frustration.
According to Jochim, it also increases motivation to consciously combine tasks with personal values. “Meaning arises when actions match values,” says the psychotherapist. Those who dedicate time to their values experience more satisfaction. In the long term, according to Jochim, motivation works like a muscle: it grows through practice, routines and small experiences of success.
Despite all the self-motivation, you should also pay attention to warning signs. Everyone is allowed to be unmotivated at times. According to Jochim, professional help can be useful if loss of interest, withdrawal, sleep or concentration problems persist. As soon as joy, relaxation or connection is permanently missing, you should act before a low point becomes a burden.
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