Being able to set boundaries is one of the most important skills in interpersonal relationships. Here you will find out how you can feel, set and stick to your own boundaries.
Setting boundaries and sticking to them is the foundation for healthy relationships. This applies not only to your relationships with friends, romantic partners and family members, but also to your professional relationships.
Why is it important to set boundaries?
The ability to set boundaries is important for your relationships for a variety of reasons:
- Feeling your limits means feeling what suits you and what doesn’t suit you. Based on this, you can make decisions that, overall, lead to a life that suits you and fulfills you.
- If you constantly overstep your boundaries in an interpersonal relationship, the long-term consequence is that you develop a rejection of the other person. You resent her for repeatedly doing things you don’t want to do. However, as long as you don’t communicate your boundaries, the other person often doesn’t even know that they are being exceeded.
- In the worst case, persistent stress caused by not setting boundaries could lead to emotional or psychological problems. For example, learn about burnout prevention or the symptoms of depression if you feel like the pressure is overwhelming you.
Important: In some relationships, such as in the case of domestic violence, it is hardly possible and sometimes even dangerous to set boundaries. If you find yourself in this situation, we strongly advise you to end the relationship as quickly as possible with the help of professional support. On the website of the Federal Ministry for Family, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth you will find an overview of all organizations where you can get help.
Set boundaries: This is how you can feel them
Only if you are able to feel your limits can you set them. And only if you can set your boundaries clearly can others respect them.
In order to feel your limits, it is important that you develop a good connection with your intuition, colloquially known as your gut feeling. The best way to connect with your intuition is through your body. The following exercise, which is loosely based on the body therapeutic concept of Somatic Experiencing according to Peter A. Levine, will help you:
- Sit in a quiet place. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths until your body calms down.
- Then think about an interpersonal situation in which you might want to set a boundary. This could be, for example, the question of whether you would like to go to a party that you have been invited to on the weekend. Another example would be asking yourself whether you have the capacity to help a friend move.
- Feel into your chest and stomach area: Does something inside you contract when you think about the party/move and you feel tense? Or is there a feeling of space, relaxation and peace? The former is your intuition saying “no.” In this case, you should consider whether you should perhaps decline the invitation to the party/help with the move. You can interpret the second feeling as an intuitive “yes” – you have enough capacity for the party/move.
- Memorize the different quality of the two sensations so that you can recognize in every situation whether your intuition says “yes” or “no”.
Even afterward, your intuition will show you whether your limits have been exceeded: When you think back to the situation in question, you have an uncomfortable, tense feeling in your body. In this case, it’s worth setting and communicating your boundaries after the fact to avoid similar situations in the future. You can find out how you can communicate your boundaries to others in the next paragraph.
Setting boundaries: the right communication
Once you have a clear sense of them, you can set your boundaries. Try to be calm, determined and consistent. The other person should notice that you are really serious. When formulating the boundary, it might be helpful for you to use Marshall Rosenberg’s principle of non-violent communication as a guide.
The following examples can also help you:
- “I’m not available on Saturday night. Feel free to let me know next time you have a party.”
- “This week isn’t a good week for me to help you move. I could help put together your furniture next week instead.”
- “Thank you for wanting to put me in charge of this project. However, I do not have the capacity to take on this responsibility at the moment alongside my other duties.”
- “The separation is challenging for me. I don’t want to receive any information about my ex from you, please.”
- “I don’t need any advice right now, I just need you to listen to me.”
- “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
- “I don’t feel comfortable with you making jokes at my expense. Please stop it.”
- “No thanks.”
Tip: If you’re new to setting your boundaries, it’s okay to practice in small steps. For example, if it feels too challenging for you to set a boundary in a personal conversation, you can first communicate it in an email or text or voice message.
Set boundaries and really stick to them
You will notice that most people will accept your boundaries without any problem. Setting boundaries is like training a muscle. The more often you do it and the more positive reactions you experience from those around you, the easier it will be for you.
However, if there are people who react angrily to your communicated boundary or even disregard it, that does not mean that the boundary itself is wrong. On the contrary: the negative reaction of your counterpart says something about the fact that he or she selfishly benefits from you not setting your boundaries. This could be a sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship, such as a toxic friendship.
In this case, it is even more important that you remain consistent. The following formulations can help you. They are intentionally written as “A and B” statements, rather than “A but B,” to signal that your opinion and the other person’s opinion can coexist:
- “It sounds like you don’t like my answer and I’m not going to change it.”
- “It’s true that I have tolerated this behavior in the past. And my needs have changed.”
- “I hear what you’re saying and my answer is still no.”
- “I’m not ready to discuss my boundaries with you.”
Important: Especially in the beginning, you may doubt your own boundaries, especially if someone reacts negatively to them. In this case, it is helpful to talk about it with someone you trust and who is ideally good at setting boundaries themselves and to have your boundaries validated. This can be a friend, your partner, family members or even a therapist. With more practice, you will become more confident and no longer need reassurance that your boundary setting is okay.
Setting boundaries: That’s why it’s so difficult for some people
Some people find it harder than others to set their boundaries. The reasons for this are varied and can lie hidden in early childhood influences:
- You are afraid of withdrawal of love and rejection if you draw a boundary.
- You don’t want to disappoint other people.
- You avoid conflicts and arguments at all costs.
- Always being available makes you feel important and needed.
- You put the needs of others above your own well-being. Read more about the so-called helper syndrome in our guide on the topic. This article might also be helpful: People Pleaser: What does it mean and what can you do?
It can be challenging to change these behavior patterns on your own. If you notice that you are unable to set and maintain healthy boundaries despite several attempts, it may be advisable to seek therapeutic support in this process.
Read more on Techzle\.com:
- Forgiveness and Forgiveness: Why It’s Good for You and Your Relationships
- Build trust: This is how you strengthen your relationship
- Fear of commitment: When love and relationships seem threatening
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