Toxic Positivity: When there is too much of a good thing

The phenomenon of toxic positivity leaves no room for the negative. It can be dangerous to suppress bad feelings. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows. We explain to you why it is important to allow bad feelings to be allowed.

A lasting happiness takes hold. People show their best behavior on social media, hashtags like #staypositive or #goodvibesonly are almost a must-have in the comment column. Always smile, always be in a good mood and post colorful pictures – that often brings likes. And whoever is happy about likes pours loudly Quarks Dopamine off.

At first glance, toxic positivity promises lasting happiness and thus plenty of dopamine. In reality, it is the feeling of having to be cheerful or happy even when you are simply not. What could initially only be observed in social networks is now also spilling over into analogue life.

As with everything, it also happens with Be happy on the dose and authenticity of the feeling. Because fake and endlessly good moods can make us sick.

How much good mood is healthy?

It is normal for people to strive to feel good rather than being sad or angry. Resilience, i.e. the ability to survive difficult times without psychological damage, is important. According to the Medical journal learnable optimism can help build resilience. It only becomes problematic when you want to erase bad feelings or consider them to be less valuable.

Obsessive-compulsive positivity can come from yourself, but also from those around you. It can often lead to a fatal cycle: You feel bad and don’t get any real encouragement, instead hearing empty phrases like “It’ll be fine” or “See the misfortune as an opportunity”. This signals to you that negative feelings are not wanted. So you suppress it even more in order to be well received. The same can happen to your fellow human beings when they come to you with their problems. After all, you want to appear positive and strong in a crisis situation. The interpersonal communication is embellished and unempathic.

Am I happy or is that already poison?

Replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts is a mechanism that can help with grief processes, writes ZEIT in the article “Those who mourn are also allowed to laugh”. Having lots of parties with friends after a failed relationship is not a toxic positivity. Also, you shouldn’t see well-intentioned advice as a kind of undermining your feelings. However, there are red flags that can show how dangerous toxic positivity is:

• A quick distraction from bad feelings is fine. However, if you never leave room for grief or anger and compulsively think positively, this indicates toxic positivity. As is well known, time heals all wounds. If you don’t give yourself the time, you run the risk of unconsciously and unprocessed grief carrying around with you for years.

• You see negative things as unnecessary and off-putting. Unpleasant feelings can be useful here. For example, fear makes you act more attentively and cautiously.

• Do you feel like you need to be happy all the time? Toxic positivity creates pressure and makes you feel happy is an easy decision to make. So if you fail, you feel like you are failing. That makes you even more miserable.

• Toxic positivity makes you lonely: Since you feel (or are made to feel) bad feelings are unacceptable, you isolate yourself. You don’t want to be the brake on fun, you don’t want to “bother” others with your problems. Friendships are particularly important in difficult and stressful times.

• Real emotions are according to the Doctors newspaper difficult to imitate. Most of the time you will notice when the other person is fooling you. People find contradicting signals irritating. It is troubling when a person smiles when they are angry. She probably just wants to be perceived as positive. But it seems tense and artificial to you. As a consequence, you also deal with it more artificially. In this way we gradually move away from real and lively communication.

• Imagine you are pouring your heart out to someone and they are saying things like “focus on the good things in life.” She points to a butterfly or a passing dog. This is toxic positivity like it is in the book, and it’s dangerous because your worries are being dismissed. Such behavior makes people less sensitive.

• Seriously ill people are often suggested that they have to work on their mindset in order to get well again. It’s very toxic. The TIME writes that there is no scientific evidence for such beliefs and that with this behavior the responsibility for the disease is pushed on to those affected.

How can I differentiate myself from Toxic Positivity?

It is important to understand that happiness is a snapshot, not a permanent state. “Sometimes it is enough to just keep your head above water,” says Anna Maas, journalist and author of the book “The Happiness Lie”.

Here are a few tips to help you break away from toxic positivity:

• Set a good example: Admit bad feelings to your friends and relatives. Be empathetic. Sentences like “I’m sorry, can I help you?” Or “I understand that you feel bad” help.

• Pay attention to who you are friends with. True friends: they listen to you and are with you – even when you are in a bad mood.

• Sort out everything that puts pressure on you on Instagram and Co.

• Write a diary. In it you can let all feelings flow unfiltered onto the paper. A Lucky diary can help you to perceive positive things more strongly, but should not be the only tool.

Read more on Techzle.com:

• Comparison through social networks: causes and what you can do about it
• Maintaining friendships: This is how old and new friendships work – even at a distance
• Body positivity: 5 steps to more self-love