“How are you?”: Nobody can avoid this question. But what if we don’t have an answer? This is an opportunity to listen to your feelings more again. A guide.
Even before the coffee has been ordered or the menu opened, one question comes up during the appointment: “How are you?” An easy way to start a conversation – one would think.
But while the lips say “Good – and you?” a completely different thought pops into my head: “Shit, I have no idea how I feel right now.” Often accompanied by self-blame – everyone knows what’s going on emotionally with him or her, right?
The problem: No connection to yourself
Anyone who feels completely alone is actually not. “It often happens that people don’t know how they are feeling,” says doctor and therapist Mirriam Prieß. This is a signal that we are not properly in touch with ourselves.
The causes can be different: They can lie in childhood, for example, in which we may never have really learned to take care of ourselves because meeting the expectations of others was always more important.
In addition: “In a society that often doesn’t want to look behind the facade, there is of course less of an impulse to ask yourself: How am I doing?” says Prieß. Whether in a conversation with a colleague or an acquaintance: we often have the impression that the other person is not open to an honest answer.
Two strategies for getting closer to your feelings again
But how can you find out how you feel? Mirriam Prieß provides these suggestions:
- Seek dialogue with yourself
Anyone who feels that the connection to their own feelings has been lost can start a dialogue with themselves. Means: “I ask myself with interested openness, ‘How am I doing?’ and feel into myself. And once there is silence, I respect that,” says Prieß.
Does it feel strange at first to have a dialogue with yourself? Don’t worry: “You can practice it properly,” says the expert.
But please not with pressure, but with a large portion of gentleness and patience. It is also important to repeat this check-in with yourself over and over again – until you gain a sense of your own feelings over time.
- Ask yourself honestly: Am I forbidding myself to have feelings?
You can also critically question whether you impose taboos on yourself when it comes to feelings. For example: “I’m on vacation right now, I have to be fine.” Maybe you also have the conviction that in your own role – for example as a mother – you are not allowed to have certain feelings.
However, anyone who internally forbids fear, sadness, anger, etc. and thus suppresses these feelings loses connection to themselves. Because they also carry an important message. “They show us that we are not in balance,” says Prieß. Reason enough to watch them without judgment instead of pushing them under the surface like a ball. Because then at some point they break out uncontrollably.
The nice thing: If we allow difficult feelings and try to understand them, they lose their force and feel less bad to us.
Getting help is okay
All of this takes practice. That’s why it’s important to always show yourself genuine interest – and respect. “The basis is: The way I am, I am good. What is in me is. Only when I acknowledge that can I find a way to deal with it,” summarizes Mirriam Prieß.
And when, despite your best efforts, you find yourself stuck and the answer to the question “What do I feel?” remains in the thick fog? Then it makes sense to bring in professionals. Then there may be a mental illness – such as depression – that should be treated.
Note: If you feel depressed or have suicidal thoughts, contact the telephone counseling service online or on 0800 / 111 0 111 or 0800 / 111 0 222 or 116123 or the German Depression Help on 0800 / 33 44 533 (during the day on weekdays). In emergencies, please contact the nearest psychiatric clinic or emergency doctor on tel. 112
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