Flying Monkeys are people who use narcissists to achieve their self-centered plans. Here you can find out how you can protect yourself from becoming a flying monkey and how you can recognize others.
You may recognize flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. In the story, the evil witch uses her monkeys to make life more difficult for her rivals. They do the dirty work, so to speak, while the witch holds the strings. For this reason, the term “Flying Monkeys” is now also a psychological term that describes the henchmen of narcissistic people.
People often find themselves in this position unconsciously. Finally, narcissists usually use manipulative methods to involve other people in their plans. Anyone who is in the environment of a narcissistic person, such as family members, employees or (supposed) friends, can become flying monkeys.
That’s why narcissists need their flying monkeys
Narcissism is a personality disorder that manifests itself primarily through a strong need for admiration. Because of their self-centeredness, narcissists often willfully ignore and violate the needs and boundaries of others and thus commit emotional abuse.
Read about it: Recognizing a narcissist: These are the most important warning signs
Narcissists depend on their flying monkeys for various reasons:
- Flying Monkeys give a narcissistic person the attention and admiration they seek. After all, narcissists are often very insecure people who constantly need reassurance.
- Because of their great insecurity, narcissists usually do not want to be associated with emotional abuse themselves. Eventually, many people would turn away from them. Then Flying Monkeys come in handy, as they take on the manipulative work as representatives. For example, if your ex-boyfriend has narcissistic traits, after the breakup you may feel that his or her friends increasingly turn against you, insult you or write you hateful messages. These flying monkeys enable your ex-partner to bully you without appearing to do so themselves.
- Narcissists shy away from direct confrontation and effective conflict resolution because this would require them to admit their own mistakes. This contradicts their need for recognition. So if you accuse a narcissistic person of manipulation or emotional abuse, they can always use their flying monkeys and emphasize their own innocence.
- Narcissists strive for power, success and control. The Flying Monkeys allow them to exercise this compulsive control. After all, the narcissistic person is, to a certain extent, above the events and only pulls the strings in the background.
Note: The description of narcissists often resembles the profiles of fictional villains. But as mentioned, narcissistic people often suffer from immense insecurity. This can be due to various causes (including past traumas or a lonely childhood). Of course, this is no excuse for emotional abuse, but it can better explain the reasons for it. After all, narcissists are not born villains, but can sometimes change their behavior through successful therapy. The narcissism cannot then be cured, but it can be mitigated to such an extent that it no longer represents an obstacle for those affected and those around them.
Why people become flying monkeys
There can be different reasons why people become flying monkeys. They often exhibit narcissistic traits themselves. For example, they rely heavily on admiration themselves, have little empathy and the need to belittle other people.
However, there are other reasons:
-
Self-protection: Some Flying Monkeys feel so threatened by narcissistic personalities that they prefer to form an alliance with them. The primary purpose of this is to avoid getting into the line of fire and to protect yourself from aggressive behavior.
-
Codependency: If you have been experiencing emotional abuse from a narcissistic person for a long time, you may already have become heavily dependent. Then you find it difficult to make decisions for yourself. You are used to following the rules and instructions of the narcissist. Leaving your role as a flying monkey requires a lot of strength and (psychological) support.
-
Drama addiction: Some people also become flying monkeys because they are attracted to drama. They can constantly fulfill this need together with a narcissistic person.
This is how you can protect yourself
To protect yourself from flying monkeys and their manipulation techniques, the following tips can help you:
-
Knowledge is power! Find out more about the characteristics and manipulative strategies of narcissistic people. They often also use their henchmen. Only with enough information can you recognize everyday manipulations and expose them as such. These strategies include, for example, gaslighting. Narcissists and flying monkeys use gaslighting to specifically try to unsettle you. They consciously and repeatedly confront you with false statements that portray you as the perpetrator. This can lead to you eventually believing it yourself and losing your own intuition and judgment.
-
Don’t share personal information. For example, if you encounter a narcissistic person’s flying monkeys after a breakup or the end of a friendship, reveal as little about yourself as possible. Any information you give out, Flying Monkeys pass on to narcissists.
-
End all contact. If possible, avoid the flying monkeys of a narcissistic person. To stop receiving manipulative messages, you can block people on your social media channels and messenger services.
-
Do reality checks. If you notice that people are deliberately trying to unsettle you through gaslighting, remind yourself of the facts again and again. It can be helpful, for example, to keep a diary in which you objectively write down the facts. It can also help to ask close friends or family members for their opinion.
-
Let yourself be supported. Surround yourself with people who accept you as you are, believe you and value you. If you feel particularly distressed, you can also seek psychological help.
How not to become a flying monkey yourself
If you find yourself in the role of a flying monkey or suspect that you are, you should seek psychological help. Therapy can help you see through the manipulative strategies of a narcissistic person and find your way back to yourself.
The following tips can save you from this role. However, they do not replace therapy in an emergency:
-
Self-reflection: Come to terms with your own actions and feelings. What are you feeling right now? And why? And why do you want to carry out a certain action? Is it because another person put you up to it? You can recognize such manipulative behavior by analyzing the person’s language. Is someone close to you trying to turn you against another person through strong emotional and dramatic expressions, exaggerations and references to clichés? Then this could be an indication that the person wants to win you over as a flying monkey.
- Question your own self-esteem! If you feel that you are constantly dependent on the actions and words of others, do not trust your own judgment, and will do anything to feel a sense of belonging, you are particularly at risk for the Flying Monkey position. In this case, working on your self-esteem will only help. Family and very close friends may also be able to help you with this. But psychological help may still be necessary.
-
The same applies here: Find out about the signs and characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. In order to “recruit” you as a flying monkey, narcissists may prefer to use love bombing. With love bombing, a person tries to make you dependent on them and to isolate you from your own social environment through strong and constant expressions of love and affection.
-
Look at your own interactions with others: How do you deal with other people? Do you often take out your frustration and aggression on them? Do you feel better after yelling at or insulting someone for no reason? Even then, you should reflect carefully on your feelings and actions. Because this tendency also makes you a popular target for narcissists.
-
Speak your mind: Depending on who you’re dealing with, you can confront narcissists directly with their misconduct. However, if you feel threatened by them, you should get help or, if possible, consciously avoid the person in question.
Conclusion: If after reading this article you suspect that someone close to you has narcissistic traits and wants to win you over as a flying monkey or you are already in this role, the first step is to distance yourself and seek support. A narcissistic person will harm you sooner or later without therapy. It is therefore important that you end contact completely or, if this is not possible, for example because it is a family member, at least maintain a healthy distance from the person.
Edited by Paula Boslau
Read more on Techzle\.com:
- Green Flags: This indicates a good relationship
- 10 Red Flags on a Date: Bad Signs for the Relationship
- Fear of commitment: When love and relationships seem threatening
Independent journalism needs people who stand behind it – including in Google searches. Now send a signal for more sustainability and → Save Utopia as a preferred source.
** marked with ** or orange underlined Links to sources of supply are partly partner links: If you buy here, you are actively supporting Techzle\.com, because we then receive a small part of the sales proceeds. More info.