What is the best way to deal with negative emotions? A psychologist advises training in psychological flexibility. She explains how this works – and why you can’t always think positively. A second expert gives concrete tips for more control over emotions.
Tanja Michael heads the chair for clinical psychology and psychotherapy and the teaching and research clinic for psychological psychotherapy at Saarland University. The dtv publishing house has also published a book on the subject of psychology and mental balance, which she wrote with a colleague. In an interview with the Süddeutsche Zeitung Magazin, she explains how to deal with negative emotions – and why they are normal. Mareike Zimmer, a consultant for personal development, explains to the AOK health insurance company how to directly influence emotions.
Basic human emotions predominantly negative
Whether because of a nasty comment, a mishap or for some other reason – everyone has a bad day. “Always thinking positively doesn’t work anyway,” stresses psychologist Michael. Because people aren’t made for that. According to the expert, our basic emotions such as anger, disgust and fear are predominantly negative because they are important for survival – they give us instructions for action. Nevertheless, they can be stressful. Michael therefore advises psychological flexibility.
Psychologist: Why it is important to be cognitively and emotionally flexible
Psychological flexibility includes both cognitive and emotional flexibility – both are important.
“Being cognitively flexible means that you are willing to look at a problem and – to put it bluntly – not just bury your head in the sand,” explains Michael. “Instead, I actively look for a solution and trust that I can do it.”
According to the psychologist, people who are emotionally flexible are aware that negative feelings are normal in certain situations – but they adapt their own reaction flexibly. This means that you don’t always react to a negative comment by brooding or by standing up for yourself – but adapt to the situation depending on whether the comment was justified.
“Being flexible also means changing your strategy when you notice that you are not getting anywhere with one,” adds the expert. “And that you have to work through your feelings – but not always immediately.” Instead, she recommends thinking about what is good for you at the moment. If a big dream suddenly becomes unattainable, some people want to talk about it straight away, while others want to distract themselves first. The psychologist thinks both strategies are “completely fine” as long as you are aware that you will have to face your grief at some point.
Training mental flexibility: How to do it
According to psychologist Michael, some people are naturally more flexible than others. They find changes such as moving easier. If you are not one of them, the expert recommends that you first consciously decide to be flexible in a situation. Then you should allow the negative feelings that the situation triggers in you – but be clear that the emotions “don’t mean you any harm, even if they don’t feel good.”
To deal with the negative feelings, the expert advises you to feel what you are feeling exactly – for example a lump in your throat, stomach pain or tension. If you then accept it, the feeling is usually not so bad anymore. “If you observe the fear and do not reinforce it with thoughts, it often goes away on its own,” says Michael. Sometimes it helps to talk to people who encourage you or comfort you.
In the best case, however, you can comfort yourself. The psychologist mentions various strategies for this, such as hugging yourself or going out into the fresh air. In her book, Michael also writes that self-compassion can be trained. According to the expert, this involves adopting a certain attitude towards yourself – such as the one that loving parents have towards a sad child: “You are great the way you are, I love you anyway.” The psychologist emphasizes that in her opinion this is the morally correct attitude – and also “a much better strategy for getting through life.”
“Consciousness makes us the director of our emotional world”
Advisor Mareike Zimmer takes a slightly different approach. She explains to AOK that negative emotions can trigger internal blockages and distort our perception. She advises analyzing the situation and thus reducing negative emotions. For example, by being neutral in your own thoughts.
Instead of thinking, “Today is definitely going to be a very difficult day,” you can mentally classify things as: “I have the thought that today is going to be a very difficult day.” It also helps to name negative feelings, such as “I am currently feeling fear.” This should take away their manipulative power.
In this way, you can manage to react more calmly in stressful situations. “We can decide whether we are angry, speechless or scared. We should be clear about that,” says the expert, “Because this awareness alone makes us the director of our emotional world, no longer an extra who is helplessly at the mercy of our feelings.”
Negative feelings can sometimes be very stressful. If you think you are suffering from depression or burnout, use the appropriate help services or contact a therapist. If you are feeling acutely depressed or have suicidal thoughts, contact the telephone counseling service online or by calling 0800 / 111 0 111 or 0800 / 111 0 222 or 116123. The German Depression Helpline can also help on 0800 / 33 44 533. In emergencies, please contact the nearest psychiatric clinic or the emergency doctor on 112.
Sources used: Süddeutsche Zeitung Magazin, AOK
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