Set healthy boundaries: Here’s how you can stick to them

Setting boundaries is one of the most important skills in interpersonal relationships. Here you will learn how to sense, set and keep to your own limits.

Setting boundaries and sticking to them is the foundation of healthy relationships. This not only applies to your relationships with friends, romantic partners and family members, but also to your professional relationships. But why is this ability so important?

• Feeling your limits means feeling what suits you and what doesn’t suit you. Based on this, you can make decisions that will lead to a life that suits you and fulfills you.
• If you constantly push yourself beyond your limits in an interpersonal relationship, the long-term consequence is that you develop rejection towards the other person. You resent her for repeatedly doing things you don’t want to do. However, as long as you do not communicate your limits, your counterpart often does not even know that they are being exceeded.
• Persistent stress caused by not setting boundaries could, at worst, lead to emotional or psychological problems. For example, if you feel the pressure is overwhelming, learn about burnout prevention or symptoms of depression.

Important: In some relationships, such as in the case of domestic violence, it is hardly possible and sometimes even dangerous to set boundaries. If you find yourself in such a situation, we strongly advise you to end the relationship with professional support as soon as possible. On the website of the Federal Ministry for Family Affairs, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth you will find an overview of all organizations where you can get help.

Setting limits: How to feel them

Only when you are able to feel your limits can you also set them. And only when you can set your boundaries with clarity can others also respect them.

In order to feel your limits, it is important that you develop a good connection to your intuition, also known as your gut feeling. The best way to connect with your intuition is through your body. The following exercise, which is freely derived from the body therapy concept of Somatic Experiencing according to Peter A. Levine, will help you with this:

1. Sit in a quiet place. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths in and out until your body comes to rest.
2. Then think of an interpersonal situation where you might want to set a boundary. This can be, for example, the question of whether you want to go to a party that you have been invited to at the weekend. Another example would be asking if you have the capacity to help a friend move.
3. Feel your chest and abdomen: Does the thought of the party/moving make you feel tight and tense? Or is there a feeling of spaciousness, relaxation and calm? The former is your intuition saying “no”. In this case, you should consider declining the invitation to the party/help with the move. You can interpret the second sensation as an intuitive “yes” – you have enough capacity for the party/move.
4. Memorize the different qualities of the two sensations so that you can tell whether your intuition is saying “yes” or “no” in any situation.

In retrospect, your intuition will also show you whether your limits have been exceeded: When you think back to the relevant situation, you have an uncomfortable, tense feeling in your body. In this case, it pays to communicate your limits afterwards. Learn how to share your limitations with others in the next paragraph.

Setting limits: The right communication

Once you have developed a clear sense of your limits, you can set them. Try to be calm, assertive, and consistent. Your counterpart should realize that you are really serious. When formulating the boundary, it might be helpful for you to orientate yourself on the principle of non-violent communication according to Marshall Rosenberg. The following examples can also help you:

• “I’m not available on Saturday night. Let me know the next time you throw a party.”
• “This week isn’t a good time for me to help you move. I could help set up your furniture next week instead.”
• “Thank you for wanting me to lead this project. However, apart from my other duties, I currently have no capacity to take on this responsibility.”
• “The separation is challenging for me. I don’t want to get any information from you about my ex.”
• “I don’t need any advice right now, just that you listen to me.”
• “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
• “I’m not comfortable with you making jokes at my expense. Please stop it.”
• “No thank you.”

Tip: If you’re very new to setting your limits, it’s totally fine to practice in small increments. For example, if setting a boundary in a face-to-face conversation feels too challenging for you, you can communicate it in an email, text, or voice message first.

Set limits and really stick to them

You will notice: Most people will accept your limits without any problems. Setting limits is like training a muscle. The more often you do it and the more positive reactions you get from those around you, the easier it will be for you.

However, if there are people who are annoyed with or even disregard your communicated boundary, that doesn’t mean that the boundary itself is wrong. On the contrary: the negative reaction of your counterpart says something about the fact that he/she benefits selfishly if you don’t set your limits. This could be an indication that you are in an unhealthy relationship, such as a toxic friendship.

In this case, it is even more important that you remain consistent. The following formulas can help you with this. They’re deliberately written as “A and B” statements, rather than “A but B,” to signal that your opinion and that of the other person can coexist:

• “It sounds like you don’t like my answer and I won’t change it.”
• “It is true that I have tolerated this behavior in the past. And my needs have changed since then.”
• “I hear what you’re saying and my answer is still no.”
• “I’m not willing to discuss my limit with you.”

Important: Especially in the beginning, it can happen that you doubt your own boundaries, especially when someone reacts negatively to them. In this case, it’s helpful to talk to someone you trust, who is ideally good at setting boundaries themselves, and get validated in your boundary. This can be a friend, your partner, family members or even a therapist. With practice, you’ll become more confident and no longer need reassurance that your limit is okay.

Setting limits: That’s why it’s so difficult for some people

Some people find it harder than others to set their boundaries. The reasons for this are manifold and can lie hidden in early childhood imprints:

• You fear love withdrawal and rejection if you draw a line.
• You don’t want to disappoint other people.
• You avoid conflict and arguments at all costs.
• Always being available makes you feel important and needed.
• You put the needs of others before your own well-being. Read more about the so-called helper syndrome in our guide on the topic.

It can be challenging to change these behaviors on your own. If you find yourself unable to set and maintain healthy boundaries despite several attempts, it may be wise to seek professional help from a therapist through this process.

Read more on Techzle.com:

• Forgiving and Forgiving: Why It’s Good for You and Your Relationships
• Build trust: This is how you strengthen your relationship
• Fear of commitment: When love and relationships seem threatening