Happy faces, happy families – this is the image of Christmas that some people have in their minds. But sometimes there is no festive mood during the holidays. What then?
The death of a loved one, a separation, illness or even a dispute in the family: there are many reasons why it is difficult to get into the Christmas spirit. The feeling of loneliness can also be particularly great when people meet everywhere to celebrate. And perhaps financial hardships are weighing more heavily than usual.
“Christmas is highly emotional and exaggerated as a family celebration,” says Heike Schneidereit-Mauth. She is a Protestant pastor and heads pastoral care in the Düsseldorf church district. “Then, of course, it’s particularly noticeable when things aren’t going particularly well for you.”
Don’t just compare upwards
Everyone is looking forward to Christmas and enjoying the festival – but you? “The impression is deceptive,” says the theologian, who also works as a therapist and coach.
In fact, she experiences that the need for pastoral care increases around the holidays. She knows this from the hospital and the prison. But also from the supposedly happy families in the terraced house. “In my opinion, those who are looking forward to the Christmas holidays without any worries are in the minority,” says Heike Schneidereit-Mauth.
This is also confirmed by the Hamburg psychologist Elke Overdick. “The reality is that there are happier people than me. But if I’m going to compare myself, then I should do it both ways.”
Instead of comparing yourself, Overdick recommends changing your perspective. That means looking at what you are grateful for, even in a difficult situation. “This is tired advice, but still effective. When I think of something to be grateful for, I find some peace within myself,” says Overdick.
Give space to all feelings
But what is also important is to check your own expectations for the holidays – and perhaps those of others too. “I don’t have to be happy. I don’t have to do anything. I can be sad and depressed or feel lonely at Christmas too,” says Elke Overdick. Pastor Schneidereit-Mauth also advises not to suppress the difficult feelings, but to give them a place.
Offers of help such as telephone counseling can provide support. “Sometimes it’s helpful to be able to talk about things in confidence,” says Heike Schneidereit-Mauth. “Sadness and pain are often about ambivalent feelings that are perhaps easier to discuss with an unknown person than with someone close to you.”
But you can also talk about your feelings there. “For example, if I have lost my partner and are therefore celebrating somewhere else, I can say that I miss this person,” says Schneidereit-Mauth. This also gives others the opportunity to deal with the topic.
Afterwards, perhaps there will be a place for happiness again. “But I can only create space for this if I value my feelings and don’t pretend that everything is easy.”
“Don’t have to give me things if I know they’re not good for me.”
But maybe you also spend Christmas with people you don’t want to or can’t open up to. “In that case, I can talk to someone close to me before such a celebration or take time to cry,” says Schneidereit-Mauth. Afterwards it is usually easier to celebrate with others.
And the option of not going at all? According to Elke Overdick, this is usually not the best way. “Of course I don’t have to give myself things if I know they’re not good for me,” says the psychologist. In principle, however, she advises against avoidance tactics. “Especially when I’m not feeling well, it can be good to get out and about with people. Even if I have to pull myself together first.”
Take care of yourself
At the same time, Overdick also sees a special opportunity in the days from Christmas to New Year. “The world pauses for a moment.” The psychologist thinks it’s a good time to take stock of the year. Especially when a lot of things were negative, you can also look at the good things again.
“You should feel within yourself and ask yourself what could be good for you,” says Overdick. There are many concerts and more church services take place. But you also have time to finally go to an art exhibition or sit down in a café. “But I can also use the time entirely for myself – the TV program at Christmas is usually really good. Or I’ll finally stick photos with beautiful music,” says Overdick.
However, if you don’t want to celebrate alone, you usually have to take action yourself. “Instead of waiting for someone to invite me, I can take action myself and, for example, invite people who are in a similar situation to me,” says Elke Overdick.
Volunteers are also in demand during the holidays. Whether it’s handing out food for the homeless, the train station mission or neighborhood help. “It often helps you when you make others happy. And if I just leave a few homemade cookies in front of my old neighbor’s door.”
Note: If you feel mentally stressed, you can find help from the telephone counseling service: on 0800/1110111 or 0800/1110222. Alternatively, the chat service is available at: online.telefonseelsorge.de
Note: The article first appeared in 2022.
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