Current figures show that more and more children and young people are suffering from psychological problems. The answer is to do something early on to build resilience. But how do parents actually go about this?
According to the current DAK prevention radar, one in seven minors shows depressive symptoms and one in three feels lonely. The results of the Lancet Psychiatry Commission on the mental health of adolescents are also “alarming,” says Cornelia Metge, board member of the Federal Chamber of Psychotherapists (BPtK) and child and adolescent psychotherapist.
Andreas Hillert is the chief physician at the Schön Klinik Roseneck in Prien. He sees a certain lack of orientation in many of his young patients: 50 percent of the young patients answered “no idea” when asked what they plan to do after finishing school. This lack of orientation is often a result of individualistic parenting models and behavior on the part of the parents, according to the specialist in psychiatry, psychotherapy and psychosomatic medicine. For example, when the family and environment live according to the motto “No matter what you do, the main thing is that you are happy”, but integration into social structures is neglected.
However, a fulfilling life requires that one’s individual desires and possibilities are brought into a sustainable fit with what is needed and paid for in the respective society.
“Every child should be given the tools to strengthen their resilience,” says Professor Andreas Hillert. This requires cooperation between the support systems, especially daycare, schools, youth welfare and health services – but also the parents. So how do you make children fit for life?
Exemplary: Providing orientation instead of unlimited freedom
Hillert advises parents to teach their children the importance of responsibility and structure in life. This creates an awareness of the need to set realistic goals – and to take responsibility for their own future.
In concrete terms, this means that parents should talk about their jobs and activities. And in an adult way: “That means I don’t just complain about my boss and how bad everything is, but I try to convey a value through it,” says the psychiatrist. “For example, by saying: I have a stressful job, but in this area I enjoy it. That’s important to me, that’s why I do it.”
In this context, it is also possible to convey that effort is worthwhile. Or it has to be: From a certain age, parents should introduce young people to the topic and say: “If you want to buy something special, then please earn the money yourself,” advises Hillert.
Parents, do not be “friends” and allow conflicts
“Parents have to take responsibility in their role as parents,” says Hillert. That means: “I don’t always have to be liked.”
This also includes allowing and tolerating differences that children can grow from: “Parents do themselves a favor in the short term by saying: I’ll do anything for you, my child. But in the medium and long term, parents avoid the conflicts that are necessary to give children orientation.”
Teaching self-responsibility and self-efficacy
Keeping everything away from the children, sorting out unpleasant things for them – that may be well-intentioned, but parents should – always in an age-appropriate manner – leave certain responsibilities to the children, says Hillert. For example, say: “The problem with your friend, with whom you argued: please sort it out yourself, you’re twelve now, you have to sort it out.”
On the other hand, he recommends including children in the lives of adults, “and not thinking that you have to protect children and somehow introduce them to it later.” Because: “Where else am I supposed to get my role models from as a child?”
Limit your own media use
Smartphones, computers and games are part of our everyday lives. However, excessive online time can lead to social incompetence and isolation, which is why parents should set clear limits here. This is not always easy: “As adults, parents know that media use is limited. And if their son cries about it, they have to put up with it.” This is certainly a difficult situation, especially when classmates are allowed to stay longer and do more than their own child. Here, setting an example is particularly important. For parents, this means not necessarily spending four hours online after work.
And what can children and young people do instead? “Meeting up with friends and listening to music are hobbies many young people say,” says Hillert, “but these are both interests that do not involve any binding assumption of responsibility.” Parents should therefore support their children in finding binding activities in real life, such as music lessons or sports. A certain degree of consistency is required here: an instrument should not just be “tried out” for six months, but should be practiced intensively on a regular basis – which will not always be fun, says Hillert.
Sport for social skills
He believes that sport is particularly effective and strongly recommends introducing children to sport. This can only be made up for to a limited extent later in life, because: “It is important that learning experiences are made over the years. And it makes no difference whether the child plays hockey, football or something else. Ultimately, it is about shared interests, binding interests in a group.”
Such activities also help children build strong social networks. Regular contact with others is important for mental health and can build children’s resilience, including their resistance to mental illness.
Hillert: “If parents fail to provide their children with a framework in which they can train social skills and develop binding interests, they increase the likelihood that these children will find their identity in a mental disorder and thus in the role of a patient.”
No stress can be harmful
It sounds well-intentioned. But according to Hillert, the parenting motto “Do what you want, as long as you’re happy” tends to lead to stress and lower resilience. This was also shown by his research into susceptibility and therapy success in differently oriented milieus, the so-called Sinus milieus, which cluster society not according to socioeconomic factors but according to values. Young people from the “hedonistic” milieu, in which fun in the here and now is valued and taught, are therefore overrepresented in psychiatric institutions, according to the doctor.
At the same time, however, their prospects for success are significantly worse than for young people from more traditional backgrounds, where more emphasis is placed on professional and personal prospects. Parents should therefore not provide less stress, but more orientation.
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