Expectations can motivate and inspire – or lead to bitter disappointments. How do you find the right degree of motivation for you?
With expectations, this is one thing: we are planning a trip or a birthday party and have been gaining in pure anticipation for weeks or even months! But then the longed -for day appears and something is going wrong: the bus is late, the selected restaurant is a total failure or we suddenly discover a thick pimple in our face. Suddenly the entire day or even the entire trip is in the bucket and bitter disappointment spreads. Instead of seeing the good, it manages to ruin any joy.
You will certainly know the feeling when expectations are disappointed – after all, this can be done in every situation and situation.
High expectations for the partner
This behavior is even more common in relationships: We get to know someone who, like the ideal partner, appears to us. But it turns out: he or she too is a person. All expectations we had for this person fizzled out once: he doesn’t laugh at all of our jokes, it is much more impatient than we thought. She has little interest in going out, he reads too little. Suddenly it is just the mistakes we see. It is clear that satisfaction with one’s own relationship can fluctuate strongly – and that expectations can influence our decisions.
So should we prefer to focus on the potentially negative results and thus avoid disappointments?
Expectations and self -fulfilling prophecies
Not quite. The theory of the so-called “self-fulfilling prophecy” according to the American sociologists Thomas and Merton states that our expectations directly influence the result of a situation. In her view, this is the case in all areas of social life.
So if we expect an upcoming interview to run badly or a partner will disappoint us, these scenarios are very likely to occur. There are two reasons:
- On the one hand, we behave differently, for example, are less self -confident or start clinging.
- On the other hand, we focus differently on the situation or the people opposing us. In retrospect, “we knew it anyway” and often repeat this pattern.
Also too high expectations lead to disappointments
If patient: expect a medication to act in the inside, this belief is sufficient in some cases to bring about the longed -for effect. Recent research on the placebo effect came to the conclusion that a placebo may be as effective as a “real” treatment. A positive expectation can therefore lead to a expected result as well as a negative.
However, why does this effect not seem to be transferable to everyday life? This has one reason above all: too high expectations cannot be fully met – neither that of ourselves nor that to others. On the contrary, they put us under pressure and create stress. The disappointments experienced in this way make it more difficult for us to find enough drive for the next attempt.
Expectations and disappointments: there are often negative experiences behind it
Ten positive things happen, but this is still a negative pursuing us in a dream and also has an impact on your expectations. Negative experiences influence our behavior. At some point each of us has trained a certain degree of cynicism and our brain likes to stay with his old, bad habits. Our brain uses previous experience for expectations of certain situations. But you can learn that your memories of disappointment no longer feel that bad.
This works, for example, by accepting and re -evaluating the situation. This is easy for nobody, but with a little patience and enough practice it becomes easier over time. So you do not only prevent sleepless nights, but train a serenity for your whole life.
Realistic expectations and appreciation
Neither the idea that a situation ends in the absolute disaster nor that of a fumile happiness is productive. Being sincerely is a great gift that you should definitely appreciate! But you shouldn’t ignore that things could also go wrong. Realistic expectations that include both results protect against disappointment and future demotivation.
In both cases, one ability is in particular the key to happiness: the ability to recognize and value the important things and to orientate your expectations.
These methods can help you learn this ability:
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Speak your thoughts loudly: close your eyes and think of everything that went well that day. Then focus on these thoughts and complete the sentence: “I am grateful for …” As soon as you have brought the thoughts from your subconscious, they become much more concrete and clearer for you. You can learn to become more grateful and satisfied.
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Write down what you are grateful for: You can do that by giving yourself a gratitude diary. In an emergency, if you don’t have it with you and things don’t run the way you expect it, a note from a block or the back of an invoice is enough. As soon as you write it down, you immediately make you aware of what really matters in your life. Gratitude can make you more satisfied.
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Learn to communicate your feelings openly and honestly: What do you really need? Speak your expectations of your counterpart. Learning to talk to each other is possible.
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Fortunately, perfectionism does not necessarily lead: your partner does not meet your high expectations? None of us needs someone who is “perfect” – but someone in whom we can be absolutely authentic and can develop into a better self.
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Find one: n strong: n interlocutor: in: same your expectations and ideas with reality. A conversation with a good friend or good friend, a family member or one: R Expert: in the field of your expectations.
Shearing too high expectations at the same time and thinking positively is not easy. Realistically looking at situations without becoming cynical. Finding a real balance in which you accept your worries and fears and at the same time recognize and appreciate the important things should be your goal. And this can be learned with a little patience, practice and hope.
Revised by Lea Hermann
Read more on utopia.de:
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- Resilience: This is how you train your mental resilience
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