Being resentful: Why this trait can hurt

After hurts and hurts, it can be difficult to forgive others. But those who hold grudges often do themselves a disservice. We explain why this property can harm.

Forgive and forget? What sounds obvious to some people is not easy for others. Many people find it difficult to forgive others. This is shown, for example, by the fact that they always want to bring up and discuss conflicts that happened some time ago.

Resentful people typically express that the other person “always” does or says something specific, or refer to past arguments in which something similar happened. The dispute begins with something like “Just like back then, when…”. It is also difficult for resentful people to accept an apology and genuinely forgive others from the heart.

There are different reasons why people are resentful. For example, while some have a negative image of themselves and others and generally distrust others, others have low self-esteem or simply had bad experiences in dealing with their fellow human beings. Forgiving others is not only extremely important for your own soul, but also for your physical well-being.

Why Forgiveness Affects Physical Wellbeing

A team of researchers from South Korea evaluated more than 100 studies with around 58,000 subjects. The result: forgiveness has a positive effect on physical health. Regardless of age and gender as well as other factors such as educational level and social environment, the scientists derive a direct connection to physical illnesses. Anyone who is permanently resentful must expect health consequences, such as an increase in cholesterol and stress hormones.

Forgiving others instead of holding grudges

to forgive others feels good and may be easier than you think. In order to be able to forgive other people, a step-by-step approach is recommended. For example, it could look like this:

1. Uncover why and who you actually want to forgive.
2. look at your feelings How are you feeling at this moment? Listen to your gut feeling and try to express your feelings openly and honestly.
3. What are the benefits of forgiving others? You may be able to transfer your negative feelings into positive emotions (sadness becomes happiness, anger becomes peace). If you are unsure, you can also imagine generally positive feelings that you would like to feel right now.
4. Now is the time to “commit” to forgiveness and embrace the freedom and inner peace that comes with it.

Important: Just because you forgive someone doesn’t automatically mean that you condone his/her actions. It just means you’re moving on from the hurt and hurt and looking at what happened from a different perspective. We also point out that this principle does not automatically apply to victims of sexual and/or physical or emotional abuse. Depending on the situation, it can sometimes make sense not to forgive the offender out of self-care. Because forgiving the perpetrator does not automatically mean healing for many of those affected, as the NetzwerkBPlus, which supports victims of any experience of violence, emphasizes.

More tips to be less resentful

• Improve your self-confidence. Criticism should not attack you personally. If it constructive criticism is, you can even learn a lot from it and the other person for it to be thankful. But we all sometimes experience insults or personal devaluations. If you don’t take this too personally and your self-esteem can remain unaffected by it, you will probably be less resentful. It’s best for you not to hold grudges – even if you’ve actually been treated unfairly or someone meant to harm you. What is important in this context is a certain resilience build up. Experts such as neuroscientist Joachim Bauer emphasize that people can only survive if they have a “strong inner self” and learn to process insults appropriately.
• Listen to other people better. Advice or comments are often not meant to be malicious, but simply misinterpreted by you. Better ask again or talk to the other person before you stay angry with a person. This can make you a less forgiving person in the long run.
• Put yourself in the shoes of others in. Remind yourself of a misstep of your own and how someone could forgive you for it without holding grudges. You’ll likely notice how much respect you have for that person and model that behavior on you. Or put yourself in the shoes of someone you still hold grudges about: this person may be so hurt that you have not yet been able to forgive him or her for a misstep. learn empathy to better empathize with others and treat them fairly and constructively.
• Live in the present and look ahead. There’s no use just living in the past. As Deutschlandfunk writes in a technical article, this can be very unhealthy. Those who only live in the past are more prone to depression because legacy issues are not fully processed. In this respect, it doesn’t get you any further and maybe even makes you sick if you hold grudges. Instead, look around to find inner peaceforward and try to detach yourself from the situation or argument.

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• Mental health: 6 tips for more well-being