Energy thieves: How to recognize and avoid this type of person

Energy thieves take more than they give and drain those around them. We show you how to keep them away from you and how to deal with them properly.

Swedish psychologist and counselor Ingalill Roos used the term “energy stealer” in her 2014 book Recognizing and Repelling Energy Stealers in Family, Relationships and Work. Her 2017 work “Recognize and fend off energy thieves” also received a lot of international attention.

Characteristics of energy thieves

In general, the author attributes the following characteristics to the energy thieves:

• Energy thieves claim the role of takers for themselves.
• They behave exploitatively in relationships by not respecting the boundaries of others. As a result, the “giving” part, whose limits are not respected, slowly loses access to its own ego.
• It is also typical of energy thieves that they reproach other people, accuse them or make them feel guilty.
• You can often recognize energy thieves through certain communication problems, for example: Energy thieves often lack the willingness to listen to others. This is expressed in the fact that they often interrupt other participants or only talk about themselves. Even friends or acquaintances who constantly complain about how bad things are for them can unknowingly become energy thieves by exploiting the helpfulness of their fellow human beings.

Attention: The term “energy robber” is not a psychologically recognized definition. Laypersons could, for example, equate their image of an energy robber with their definition of a narcissist, because they also tend to overestimate themselves, devalue others and are not capable of self-reflection.

Laypeople could also associate other mental illnesses such as borderline personality disorder or attention deficit disorder with energy thieves. However, it is important to realize that by no means all people with these or other mental health problems are energy hogs. Conversely, you should never ‘diagnose’ people who you have identified as energy thieves in your life with disorders you suspect.

In the end, only a qualified specialist can find out whether the energy-consuming behavior stems from psychological problems or is simply due to the personality or the lack of social skills of the person. However, there are tips on how to deal with the energy thieves to protect yourself.

About dealing with human energy thieves in a healthy way

In order to properly deal with energy thieves, medical coaches like Jan Ackermann recommend using certain procedures and strategies:

• First of all, it is crucial to recognize energy thieves as such and to “unmask”. Although there is not “the” one energy robber, there are people who drain you and don’t respect your limits. These can even be people with whom you often deal and who you are very fond of: for example, partners with excessive demands, friends who give more than they take, or bosses who do not treat their employees well. Once you have identified such energy robbers, you should ask yourself: what does the relationship give you and is the give-and-take ratio really balanced?
• Ackermann also recommends consciously going into yourself and reflecting. For what reason can an energy robber gain so much from you at all? Why are you spending a lot of time with the person? Is this really necessary or do you have problems consciously distancing yourself from these people?
• If you find yourself being drained by an energy drain around you, you should try to reduce contact or end it altogether. If this is not possible or not wanted, it makes sense to set healthy boundaries and stick to your own points of view. Especially when dealing with energy robbers, you shouldn’t be afraid to say “no” and stand up for yourself and your needs. So your compassion towards energy thieves should not be limitless.
• When in doubt, it is up to you to make it clear to the energy thief on a factual level that you are not interested in this negativity and/or do not want to be taken advantage of. Remain objective and name the situation in the here and now, so that you don’t even offer energy thieves the opportunity to “demand” further emotions from you. If even a clarifying conversation doesn’t help, you should distance yourself internally. Especially when the energy robbers are bosses or work colleagues, it is sometimes better to look for a new job. Because the psychological consequences that energy robbers attempt in the long run can potentially be serious. You should therefore consider whether it might not make more sense to develop yourself in a new professional environment without the negative influence of the energy robber.

In summary, the Medical Coach recommends four strategies and advises using them together or individually depending on the situation:

1. Learn to say no, to consciously set boundaries and to defend them.
2. Reflect on why energy thieves turn to you and whether you find it difficult to consciously differentiate yourself from others.
3. Consider detaching from the energy robber, internally or radically by breaking contact.
4. Address the problem on a factual level and, if possible, get a third “neutral” person to act as a mediator for support.

Tip: If the energy robber is very important to you and you find it difficult to make a clear decision, you should consider on an objective level whether it is still “worth” investing in the relationship. Since one tends to glorify in such moments, strategies can also be used here: For example, pro and contra lists, the perspective of an “outside” observer or a point system, which you use to make a weighting.

You may also ask outsiders, such as friends and colleagues, to give their perspective. It is always helpful to reduce the complexity of the problem and concentrate on the essential aspects, as our tips for making the right decisions will show you.

Avoid and let go of your own energy thieves

As the Medical Coach further describes, there are energy thieves not only on the outside, but also within ourselves. Harmful behaviors such as lack of sleep, alcohol and drug abuse or other self-sabotaging behaviors rob you of your energy.

You also make your life unnecessarily difficult with an excessive sense of entitlement that ends in perfectionism. Therefore, try to be selective and give up the idea of ​​always wanting to do everything 100 percent perfectly. In order to escape the “perfectionism trap”, psychologists advise you to allow yourself to make mistakes and to forgive them internally.

Another tip is to ask yourself if, literally speaking, it would really be the end of the world if you didn’t do this or that thing 100 percent perfectly. Experts at Oberberg Kliniken, for example, see the “80 percent” mark as sufficient to complete tasks satisfactorily without getting bogged down in details. And: As the experts advise, you should take breaks and simply let go in some places if it gets too much.

You can also get other harmful behaviors under control. For example, as part of healthy self-care, which can help you to give your vital needs space and, for example, get more sleep. We recommend that you adhere to consistent sleep hygiene so that you don’t get into the situation of feeling tired and energetically drained in the first place.

Even if you are the one who seems to be draining energy from others, you can work on yourself. For example, create a gratitude list and learn relaxation techniques that will help you to calm down and gain new strength in everyday life. If there are psychological issues behind your negativity, therapy may also help you to reflect on yourself and be more mindful of yourself and those around you.

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