Fears of commitment: When love and relationships seem threatening

Fears of attachment are not easy to overcome and can weigh heavily on a friendship or relationship. The signs for this can be varied. Here are tips on how to deal with attachment anxiety.

Fears of attachment and their causes

Close friendships and partnerships can be wonderful. What sounds natural to most of us can be a major psychological burden for people with attachment fears. One feels oppressed by the closeness to others and searches – consciously or unconsciously – for freedom and independence. Usually both sides suffer from the fear of commitment. Because while some feel restricted by relationships, others can feel rejected and unloved. But why is that?

The fear of closeness and attachment can often be traced back to a fear of losing personal independence. Behind this is often the unconscious avoidance of unpleasant situations that one has already experienced in the past. Anyone who has been repeatedly disappointed by friends and partners will find it more difficult to build trusting relationships in the future. Again, the fear of being too responsible can play a role. Maybe I am not good enough to meet my partner’s expectations?

Signs of fear of attachment

If you’re unsure whether a friend or partner is having trouble getting involved in solid relationships, here are some signs of fear of attachment. You should be aware if someone around you:

• suddenly withdraws for no apparent reason and can no longer be reached.
• reluctant to get involved in appointments or postpone them all the time.
• does not want to make plans for the future, has frequently changing partners and generally maintains few close friendships.
• strongly fluctuates between a need for closeness and distance.
• longs for people who are out of reach for him or her
• has such high expectations of others that no one can meet them.

You can make all of these observations on yourself. Of course, this is more difficult than recognizing the signs in others. But it can be important to protect other people’s feelings. Especially if your friends or your partner obviously want to be closer to you than you do.

Overcome fear of attachment

1. Talk about: It is perfectly normal to have a need for freedom and independence. In a relationship, however, this should be communicated to avoid misunderstandings. Conversely, the same applies to the need to be close to one another and to participate in the life of the other.
2. Realistic expectations have: Expectations that are too high are sure to lead to disappointment. Again, communication is the most important thing. Talk to your partner about your wishes. You may find that the other person’s expectations of you are not as overwhelming as you thought.
3. Consciously experience moments: Everything has its time in friendships and partnerships. Try to enjoy both the togetherness and the loneliness without a guilty conscience and purposefully.
4. Investigate fears: Ask yourself where your fear of closeness could have come from. You may find that you have developed avoidance strategies to avoid situations that are not really threatening.
5. Searching for help: Fears of attachment can have deep-seated causes in the psyche of an affected person. Therefore, sometimes the problem can only be overcome with professional help.

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