Some people hardly allow others to have a say in conversations, making equal communication almost impossible. You can find out which strategies can help you deal with this here.
Maybe you’ve already had a conversation with a person who speaks practically without a period or comma, constantly talks about themselves and keeps interrupting you. Maybe you didn’t even get the chance to say something back. Such people are also called “talkaholics”.
As the other person, you may feel like you can’t do much more than politely nod and smile and let the monologue take over. However, there are definitely strategies that you can use to break up the one-sided conversation situation – without having to be rude.
Reasons for the flow of speech
The fact that people talk a lot can have different reasons:
- For example, people with lower self-esteem and a resulting higher need for attention tend to talk excessively. In this case, a flow of speech can also help to cover up insecurities. Others talk incessantly in the expectation of receiving validation. “They are unsure whether what they are doing or how they are behaving is right,” explains Judith Lurweg, a systemic therapist in Münster, “and they want to compensate for that with a torrent of talk.”
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Loneliness can also be a cause of this. “Some live alone and hardly have anyone to talk to,” says Lurweg. When these people then meet others and see the opportunity to say something that has been left unsaid for a long time, they do it: “It is as if something inside them is released and something that has been pent up is pushed out,” says Lurweg.
- Sometimes excessive talking can also be a personality trait. Some people weren’t listened to as children – and as adults they compensate by talking and expecting others to listen to them. “Others are simply used to being listened to and therefore talk incessantly,” says Lurweg. Due to gender socialization, this pattern is more often found in men’s behavior towards women. The women acquiesced and listened, even though they are annoyed because they have learned to please.
- “Sometimes it also has something to do with age, which is why some people talk to others incessantly,” says Michaela Albrecht, communications trainer in Hohenroda, Hesse. The older you are, the more you have experienced – and some older people feel the urge to pass on their experiences so that others can benefit from them.
- Increased activity in the brain can also play a role. For example, if the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for language processing and production, is overly stimulated, this can lead to people behaving more impulsively in conversation and speaking more often and for longer periods of time.
- A particularly intense form of compulsive speech is also known in medicine as logorrhea. Constantly speaking up and talking excessively becomes a compulsion for those affected. The phenomenon usually occurs as a side effect of mental or neurological illnesses. The consumption of alcohol, other drugs or caffeine can also increase the compulsion to talk.
When people talk too much: That helps
If people keep turning the conversation back to themselves, being together can quickly become unpleasant. In this case, the following strategies can help you break up the situation and allow yourself or other participants to participate more in the conversation:
1. Back to topic
Most of us react primarily to the topic of a conversation, can identify it and respond to it. So we only share our own experiences briefly or in relation to the interests of the group.
However, people who talk a lot about themselves don’t focus on the topic itself, but only on how they feel about the topic. For example, if a person says they have just returned from London, some people use this opportunity to talk in detail about their own trips to London. In such cases, it is often efficient to wait for a pause in the conversation and shift the focus of the conversation back to the person who first brought up the topic.
2. Small group size
Group size can greatly influence participation in the conversation. Groups of more than six people tend to not allow some people to speak, or only allow them to speak very briefly. Dividing the conversation into several smaller conversations with two, three or four people promotes equal participation.
3. Reduce redundancy
Some people not only talk about a certain topic for far too long, but also repeat themselves over time. If this is the case, you can tell the other person what you already know about the topic or what the person has already said. From this point you have given yourself the opportunity to share your own thoughts and experiences on the topic.
4. Change conversation position
One possible cause of excessive talking is that people view themselves as superior. When people talk about themselves, they ultimately perceive themselves as experts. That’s why frequent speakers like to keep the focus on their activities and experiences and thus maintain their expertise. You can break this down by specifically directing the focus of the conversation to another topic with which you or other participants have more experience.
5. Change your own behavior
Sometimes we unconsciously encourage people who talk a lot to continue to dominate the conversation, for example by continuing to nod politely and smile. But signs of impatience (for example, constantly checking their smartphone) can persuade people to just keep talking. On the other hand, constant interruptions can lead to competition and unpleasant interpersonal tensions.
You can try to maintain as neutral a facial expression as possible, not saying anything and not using any gestures or facial expressions. Frequent speakers lack the necessary counterpart in the conversation.
Or you can use your body language to signal to the other person that you want to say something. “This can be done by raising your hand or pointing one finger at the other,” says Albrecht.
6. Speak directly
With the right tone, it is definitely not objectionable to confront the person about their excessive talking. “Then it’s not about overwhelming them with accusations along the lines of “What are you actually saying to me?”, but rather speaking in first-person terms,” says Lurweg.
So something like: “I have the impression that you talk more than me and don’t give me the opportunity to tell you something about my life.” Or: “Hey, I can’t really concentrate on listening to you right now because you’ve been talking for a long time; let me say something.”
However, the focus should be on how it affects us personally, rather than criticizing the person or even embarrassing them in a group.
7. Set boundaries
“A conversation is an exchange and not a monologue,” explains Lurweg. You should make this unmistakably clear to the other person and politely interrupt their flow of speech beforehand. Depending on the situation, it can also be helpful to tell the other person that you are not prepared to listen for longer – for example because you are pressed for time. Then you might arrange to have another conversation. And the person who has been listening uninterrupted will then say something like: “Next time, I’ll tell you something about myself too.”
Recognizing loneliness – how to approach people who talk a lot gently
If the reason behind all the talking is the assumption that the person opposite is lonely, many people still listen – for example because they know that the neighbor lives alone and simply needs someone to tell something to. Nevertheless, listeners often get annoyed afterwards because it wasn’t a real conversation, but a monologue. So what to do?
“First of all, you should make it clear that the responsibility for the frequent talker does not lie with the listener, but with the person themselves,” says Judith Lurweg.
In this respect, you shouldn’t blame yourself if you don’t have time to listen to your neighbor talking a lot. Anyone who suspects that the neighbor’s almost uncontrollable torrent of talk may have something to do with their loneliness should gently talk to them about it in a quiet moment, says Lurweg.
If the assumption that he is lonely turns out to be true, you could encourage him to pursue his interests more and, for example, join a club. “It might also be helpful to recommend that he go to a life counseling center and get advice on how to escape loneliness,” says Lurweg.
If it is possible to leave loneliness behind, everyone can perhaps get involved in and even look forward to a real conversation in which both people have their say and a real dialogue develops.
With material from dpa.
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