After a breakup, we often experience severe heartbreak. We’ll tell you four things that are important to help you overcome heartbreak and gain new strength and confidence during the crisis.
We feel heartbreak when we are in love with someone we cannot reach, or when our partner breaks up with us. Then we are sad, lonely, feel desperate, sometimes lose faith in ourselves and fear the future.
And it hurts a lot. “Heartache” is not just a metaphorical description, but refers to a real phenomenon. When we are rejected, regions in our brain are activated that are also active when we are in physical pain. This feeling is part of our evolution, because social rejection meant a threat to our survival. So it is completely normal to have these feelings when you are abandoned.
The fact that we have put our hopes and dreams into the ended relationship also feeds the pain. We have become accustomed to doing many things together – eating together, sleeping together and perhaps living together. Breaking these habits can be difficult. In the beginning, we mainly notice the gap left by the ex-partner.
All of these tips require some effort and patience from you, because getting over heartbreak is never easy. Important: Turning to alcohol or other drug consumption is never a good solution. Consumption may feel like it brings relief at first. In the long term, however, it prevents you from implementing functional solution strategies.
Overcoming heartbreak: four phases
(Photo: CC0 / unsplash / Ayo Ogunseinde)
Everyone experiences a breakup and heartbreak differently – depending on the length of the previous relationship, the closeness to the ex-partner and their own personality. Nevertheless, according to the Psychotherapy Counseling Center at Johannes Gutenberg University (JGU) in Mainz, a breakup usually takes place in four consecutive phases. Going through them is important in order to overcome heartbreak. Heartbreak often feels different depending on which phase we are in.
1st phase: Not wanting to believe it
We often ignore the separation at first: If we are still living together, we may not take the signs seriously or we may deny that the separation even happened. Often, during this phase, we still have hope that our partner will come back.
Hope is usually replaced by feelings of despair, sometimes we are also angry at the other person – “How dare he leave me” – these feelings indicate that we are entering the second phase.
2nd phase: Emerging feelings
Here we are accompanied by thoughts that we could never be happy with anyone else again, we doubt ourselves and ask ourselves who is to blame for the separation.
These two phases are important in order to be able to let go of the person. And once they have been overcome, the time has come for us to move on to the next two phases:
3rd phase: reorientation
The feelings towards the other person now decrease again, both the negative and the positive. Usually, during this phase, you manage to concentrate on yourself and your self-esteem may increase again.
4th phase: Develop a new life concept without the partnership
Once you have reoriented yourself, it is now time to develop new life plans that do not involve your ex-partner. You may learn to trust yourself and others more again.
1. Write about heartbreak
(Photo: CC0 / unsplash / Aaron Burden)
The path through heartbreak is a healing process – the wounds of separation and rejection must close and heal.
Start a diary to track your process. You can confide in your diary at any time, write openly about your feelings and thoughts and become aware of them. Writing these down has been proven to help people through crises, just as a painful breakup can.
The nice thing about a diary is that you can also track your changes and see in black and white how you are progressing and processing your feelings. The JGU recommends practicing acceptance, but also giving negative feelings space in order to overcome heartbreak. A diary can help with this.
2. Accept the separation in order to overcome it
(Photo: CC0 / unsplash / Alina Miroshnichenko)
In order to overcome heartbreak, it is important that you accept the breakup. This is particularly difficult when it is still very recent and you are in the first phase. However, it is the basis for being able to deal with your feelings honestly.
Say to yourself several times a day – preferably out loud in front of a mirror – “I am ready to accept that the relationship is over.” This is not an easy exercise. You will feel resistance within yourself because your heart does not yet want to accept that the relationship is over.
The aim of the exercise is to help you let go of the other person so that you can process the feelings of separation. This is only possible if you fully accept that the relationship has now come to an end.
You can support the process:
- Avoid contacting them again.
- Don’t try to win him or her back.
Both of these only feed false hopes and prevent you from learning to let go. Instead, maintaining radio silence, at least for the time being, allows you to concentrate more on yourself, as the JGU also describes.
3. Dealing with strong emotions
(Photo: CC0 / Unsplash / Sean Boyd)
Once we have accepted the separation, heartbreak can overwhelm us. We then experience intense feelings. But you are not helpless in the face of them. There are ways to live out these intense feelings without breaking down because of them. The goal is not to ignore them – feelings are part of life. But they should not dictate our lives either. Psychiatrist Günter H. Seidler explains to Geo how this can work.
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Recognize and accept emotions: Instead of suppressing intense feelings such as pain, anger or sadness, you should consciously perceive and accept them. This allows us to better understand the emotions and give them space without suppressing or ignoring them.
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Avoid impulsive reactions: When you have strong feelings, it’s important not to act impulsively, such as through excessive exercise, alcohol abuse, or fits of anger. Instead, take time to reflect on the emotions and find ways to express them constructively, such as through conversations or creative activities.
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Regain control through self-care: When you feel overwhelmed by strong emotions, it can be helpful to focus on self-care. This includes taking time for yourself, maintaining healthy routines, and engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation. This could be exercise, meeting with friends, or even practicing mindfulness, for example.
4. Transform loneliness into contented solitude
(Photo: CC0 / Pixabay / silviarita)
When our partner leaves, we often feel alone without them. Being alone can lead to feelings of loneliness – but it doesn’t have to. When we are lonely, we long for company and wish we weren’t alone. We feel lonely because we may be bored or not enough for ourselves. Being alone means that we are alone and feel relaxed or even comfortable.
It is important to transform the loneliness that can result from a separation into a contented state of being alone. Being alone is actually very important for your own development. This is the only way we can reorient ourselves, gain new strength and look forward to the new future with joy. You will find helpful tips on this in our article:
When lovesickness won’t go away
Sometimes heartbreak and the pain of a breakup seem to refuse to go away – then you should get help. Psychiatrist Seidler describes that after two years you should have gone through all four phases, even in very serious relationships. However, it can also take longer.
So take the opportunity to get help if it makes it easier for you to cope with the separation. Watch out for these warning signs – if you notice any of them, you should seek advice:
- When you are preoccupied with harming yourself or taking your own life.
- When you’ve tried everything but the pain doesn’t go away.
- When you neglect your body, diet and hygiene and think everything is pointless.
- If you have been taking tranquilizers or sleeping pills for a long time, drinking too much alcohol or eating too much or too little.
- If you would like to talk to a neutral person but don’t have anyone you can openly tell about your feelings to.
- If your performance declines significantly and you are putting your job at risk.
Read more on Techzle\.com:
- Resilience: How to train your mental resilience
- Self-motivation: how to overcome your inner demons
- Work-life balance: these tips will help you achieve the balance
Edited by Denise Schmucker
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