Shame: So you can deal with the feeling

Shame is known to all of us and is nevertheless an unpleasant topic for most. You can find out here why we should pay more attention to feelings of shame and how you can improve how you deal with them.

Shame: the “guardian of human dignity”

Shame is a deeply human feeling and you have surely encountered it before. Nevertheless, it is still taboo in our society to speak openly about shame. This is mainly because it is a very strong, uncomfortable and intimate feeling acts. Accordingly, we are reluctant to face him.

But shame doesn’t just have negative sides. According to the psychiatrist Johann Schneider, it is primarily a feeling, one thing Takes on a protective function. It helps us determine the limits of our privacy and protect them. At the same time, it protects the boundaries of our fellow human beings: for example, if we observe an intimate moment of another person that was not intended for our eyes, we naturally feel shame.

In childhood, shame develops from the point when children with more respect and Mindfulness respond to their fellow human beings. To a certain extent, the feeling arises in interaction with other people and helps us to maintain the community: We mutually commit to respect the privacy of our fellow human beings and protect our own intimate spaces. The psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Léon Wurmser therefore described shame as “Guardian of Human Dignity”.

When shame becomes problematic

A feeling of shame becomes a problem when it is our self esteem affects. Shame often occurs when we feel not being good enough and not being able to fill out certain role models. We are ashamed of ourselves when we do not live up to the ideal of social beauty, feel overwhelmed at work or at school, or seemingly unable to adequately fulfill the role of parents.

Combined with guilt and chronic Fear of failure can shame to unhealthy perfectionism and lead compulsive behavior. In extreme cases, those affected withdraw more and more into isolation. If you feel affected, you shouldn’t be afraid seek professional help.

In order to develop a more relaxed way of dealing with shame and to prevent negative consequences, the following tips and hints can help you.

1. Dealing with shame: acceptance

If you don’t give emotions enough space, but keep pushing them out, they can build up – only to discharge yourself in a more violent way. Therefore, also in the case of shame: Accept the feeling of how it is. Accept that you are ashamed. It is a human feeling and has the right to be noticed.

It helps some people to feel shame in one Diary entry to describe or talk about it with familiar people. In any case, give the feeling a name and just accept it at the moment without wanting to change it.

2. Analysis: where does the shame come from?

In the second step you can deal with it Origin of shame to analyze: at what moment were you ashamed? For what action? For yourself or for others? Try to distance yourself from the situation. It can also be helpful to write down the situation briefly or analyze it in conversation.

When you feel shame because you did something wrong, you often feel guilty. This feeling alone won’t get you anywhere. It is also important here how you deal with it: consider what exactly you feel guilty for and how you might have done this differently. So look for specific ones Alternative courses of actionto avoid repeating mistakes in similar situations in the future.

Tip: This article shows you how to overcome feelings of guilt:

3. Think of your self-respect!

Keep in mind that shame shouldn’t affect your self-image. We all make mistakes. We all feel shame. That shouldn’t make us think badly of ourselves, judge our personality and feel inferior. Therefore, never regard the feeling of shame as a weakness in character. See it as a feeling detached from your personality that has come and will soon go again.

You can get more information about self-esteem and self-love in these articles: Self-esteem: This is how you can strengthen them and Self love learn: tips and exercises for the loved one.

4. Dealing with learned feelings of shame

In addition to feelings of shame that we encounter and then leave, there are also so-called learned feelings of shame. The psychiatrist Johann Schneider also speaks of “feelings of shame”. These arise when our innate feelings of shame have been seriously injured – i.e. our privacy has not been accepted. This is the case, for example, when we are exposed or humiliated.

If this deep sense of shame is not dealt with, it manifests itself in the course of time through compensation mechanisms: For example, those affected either withdraw further and further or begin to shame and humiliate other people.

In these cases, those affected should review their own biography and analyze where these behaviors come from and when and where they were violated in their privacy. In this way, they can gradually regain their self-esteem. It can be helpful to get professional help.

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